Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Jessica's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
10:26 pm	roller coaster ride Well, Dad's doing very well, for someone who had a grand mal seizure less than a week ago. Mom and I are alternately sad and irritable, but thankfully not both at once! I'm actually really glad that it's epilepsy, because that is so treatable and not terminal. When I think that the other options were stroke, MS, a brain tumor or diabetes, it's better that he just, in his own words, has a "rotten brain." Today we all left the house and went out to work. Dad can't drive for six months, though I doubt we'll be able to keep him from it for six weeks, so Mom and I are his wheels. I feel the stress of this, but I'm so glad that he's still here with us, I'll drive him anywhere! All kinds of things that seemed really important on Thursday night seem so silly after Friday morning. All of my little petty worries and irritants are now things I can't quite remember to think about. I made myself sit in the garden this morning--just sit, after I finished weeding and watering, to watch the birds and the morning. I was sure he was going to die, when I went into their bedroom to help Mom hold him on his side. I've never seen anything as violent as a grand mal. I'm so glad to be here and not in Maryland or Florida or any other place! Weather fronts have always triggered his seizures, so this coming stormy weekend will be a good test of his anti-seizure meds. Pray for us! Current Mood: exhausted (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
3:47 pm	whoosh Whoosh. That would be time creeping by! I've had another run of bad luck, but I'm in good spirits and things are starting to go my way. I got my car back yesterday with a new transmission. It's running pretty well. I dropped my laptop and have been without it for two weeks today while a friend of the family tries to fix it--he's finally decided to rewire the thing, and at this point I don't care if he turns it into a can opener--I just want it back! I missed being at Jamie's shower, but things were too wild and expensive for me to go. My audition in St. Louis got canceled, but that's good news--it means I get to stay home this weekend. Still no definite word on the job in Texas, but I'm hopeful again. They're going to post it only on their website, so not many people will know about it. Mom's playing our choir anthem, which I really love. I want to go sing along! I hate not being in Maryland. I feel like I'm missing so much! There's more to life than this, and I love home, but it's starting to feel like purgatory. I'm going to Cookeville on Friday to have lunch with two old friends from college, one of whom is heavily pregnant with her third child--Olivia. Isn't that a sweet name? It's already acting like spring here, and spring in Tennessee is something to behold. There are daffodils everywhere and the air is just alive. I love driving around in it, but I missed winter! I have a non-friend. Everyone's got them, right? She writes me braggy emails in the guise of a friend, but I think she's trying to scare me off jobs and opportunities. It kind of makes me feel good--like I'm threatening to her, and I should be. I got my doctorate in the prescribed amount of time and have a job, even if it's just part time. I still wish she'd knock it off and we may have to talk about it, even though I don't want a big discussion (okay, fight.)It's so much easier to give advice than to take it! Got any? Her last email was a real winner. She's sniffing around the job in Texas (open because a mutual friend has a leave of absence). All my real friends hate her. I guess you two would, too! She's not real in any way and she cheats to win, and for a long time, I couldn't see it though everyone else could. The windows are open and I can smell the rain coming. I just love this region! Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: baby watch your back (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
9:19 pm	I wish we had some snow. My life has finally calmed down, at least for the next couple of weeks! I forgot that winter in Tennessee is just gray, cold and rainy, but it stays just too warm to snow--like 38 or 39. It's kind of depressing, but I like rainy days, so I can deal with it. Tomorrow I have to go try to teach teenagers how to play the flute. It's definitely an uphill battle! I loved Becca's post about music and memories--she's very right! So I'm going to write about five that take me back to places in terms of listening, and five in terms of performing. 1. Anything from REM's Green album always reminds me of riding to high school every morning with the two sisters who lived across the street. One was a year older than me and one a year younger and we were thick as thieves! They were Mormon and I used to help them sneak out to meet boys. 2. Nanci Griffith's Flyer album reminds me of the summer between undergrad and graduate school. I was working at the Tennessee Governor's School for the Arts (where I met Leah, incidentally)and I spent a lot of time worrying about the future. Everything was about to change! 3. Kathleen Battle's So Many Stars is this really lovely, light album that I used to listen to with Christopher Michel, my best gay friend at FSU. We'd sit in his apartment drinking wine, talking about boys and singing along after we drank enough wine! 4. U2's Achtung Baby was my soundtrack my junior and senior years of high school. I used to play the national anthem before every basketball game and it was the one time I could really get away in my Dad's car, which was the nicest one. I'd play and then take the longest possible way home to prolong that feeling of coolness. 5. Sgt. Pepper's was my favorite LP as a little kid. My dad had this incredible record collection: Beatles, Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson, etc. I really, really loved Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and When I'm 64. I wrote this long part about all the music I love playing, but it was too much. Suffice it to say, there's nothing like performing, especially when it's really good. I love the big romantic symphonies and concertos, and I hope that I'll always be able to play them! If you're ever in a classical mood, call me--I have a list a mile long! Things are so much better. Grandpa is doing worlds better, I'm picking up students, and there are several new auditions for me to take. I really want some snow. I miss it! I miss my social life, too, but I'm getting so much done, and my little anal retentive heart is very happy about that. I'm getting ready to work on some arrangements for Jamie's wedding, which I'm looking forward to. I started writing yesterday--just creative writing. We'll see what it becomes. It's so good to be happy again! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
10:46 pm	Good news! Really, I should say, positive, non-health related, potentially good news! First, I've been invited to the assistant principal audition in St. Louis. They're a really good orchestra, so I'm going to have super-stiff competition, but it's an honor to be invited. Second, I found out through the grapevine that someone from one of these never-ending job searches has called an old professor of mine to ask about me. It's wonderful to know that something is happening other than that I keep buying resume paper and spending money on postage! Third,I have a serious, strong job lead for next year, but I can't really talk much about it yet. I have a friend who's taking a one-year leave of absence from a job near a beach, unfortunately not a beach in NC (I couldn't let that go too far!)I'll keep you guys posted. Last weekend I was in Bowling Green on Friday, Paducah on Saturday, and as I was driving down to Jackson from Paducah on Sunday, I saw the coolest thing. I was behind a horse trailer and it was snowing lightly--just enough to make stuff pretty. The horses kept sticking their noses out to touch the snow, really delicately. They're so gorgeous! I was sad when the trailer turned off in Mayfield. Tomorrow I go back to Jackson for two nights. We have two more rehearsals and the concert Friday night. I'm looking forward to it. We're playing Sibelius' 2nd Symphony, which is just unbelievable. It sounds cold, like a Scandinavian winter, and there are moments when the trumpet just cuts through like the sun. I love being a muscian. I have a Miss Sharon at the Jackson Symphony. She's not nearly the class act that Kelli's Miss Sharon is, but she's entertaining and I like her. She has too many cats and she probably did too many drugs thirty or so years ago...every time we talk she ends up telling me about how the Republicans are going to try to put chips in our heads, probably sooner than later. I'd love to turn her in to "What Not to Wear." REALLY love to do that. She's an incredible oboist, really blunt, which I respect, and for some reason she likes me and has taken me under her wing. It's good to be liked by aging hippies! Picture a scowling, middle aged brunette who wears her hair way too long, smells like a mixture of mothballs and cat, and who still wears crocheted macrame vests. (Apparently, they're back in!) She'd hit me if I ever called her "Miss" Sharon. I think it might snow on Saturday night, and it makes me feel like a little kid. I'm so excited! Current Mood: excited Current Music: Float on (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 10th, 2005
10:21 pm	warm cat, cold feet I'm agitated! I'm also sure it shocks the shit out of you guys! Things are going really well and really strangely all at the same time. I'm playing with the Paducah Symphony for a while, which is great--every gig I get brings more gigs in. The driving is insane. Paducah is 15 minutes south of Illinois, all the way to the northwest of Kentucky. Next weekend I'm going to Bowling Green on Friday to judge competitions and perform at a flute festival, then getting up Saturday to drive to Paducah for a rehearsal and the concert, then going to Jackson on Sunday to have a rehearsal for our next concert. I want to sleep in my own bed! Today we went to see Grandma and Papa. They had a month's worth of trash piled up in the shed that they were too proud to ask anyone to cart off. Mom volunteered Dad, so up we went. She and I sat with Pops while the nurse and physical therapist were there so that Grandma could go into town to get groceries, for crying out loud! Dad took Papa's truck to the dump--it's hilarious. It's got about 250,000 miles on it(not really)and everything is broken. I think it's held together with duct tape. The physical therapist was a hoot. His name is Robin Hood. I'm not kidding. He drove up in this silver and yellow two-seater sports car that matched his polo shirt and slacks and proceeded to walk my grandfather and his walker around and around the house, holding on to the back of his pajama bottoms because Papa was afraid they'd fall off in front of me. There was a lot of humor in this! Robin was Uncle George's physical therapist, my great-grandmother's therapist when she broke her ankle back in 1990, and Aunt Martha's pt before that, after her first brain surgery. He's been around a long time. The nurse who came was Grandma's nurse after her mastectomy a few years ago. It felt kind of psychotic to learn all of that! I'm just glad they didn't ask Grams to show the scar! He's doing better, but he still seems to be convinced that he's going to die. He just has no hope for a future, and Grandma seems to be losing it a little bit in the face of his attitude. He's rude to her, maybe because he can't express his emotional pain any other way. They're not extremely demonstrative people. That said, he was interested in little things today, and said he's been using his walker to go and look out the window. He also said his nighttime meds have been making him have hallucinations, which the nurse shrugged off as being leftovers from his anethesia. It worries me a little bit that she doesn't seem to be taking him seriously on that count, but Grandma will keep after her. In response to Becca's post--I have the craziest dreams, all the time! Usually they involve bugs or snakes that grow continually until they fill the room and I can't get away. I watch too much Sci-Fi channel! Once I was wrestling an enormous snake in my parents' living room, trying to make it leave the house. I've also dreamed about being in the hospital dying of a terrible wasting disease--think cancer or AIDS--and once that I was in the hospital having twins. Guess which one of those dreams I'd rather have come true! I feel like I'm just getting by right now, and every night I'm so glad to go to bed in the hopes that the next day will be easier or better. It's okay--not as bleak as that sounded, but I still mean what I wrote. So goodnight! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
10:26 pm	Ah! Routine! I'm really pretty pathetic. I love a routine. Love, love, love to do the same thing at the same time every day or week. Yesterday the kids here went back to school, and today I went to teach a student who didn't show up, which is, unfortunately part of our routine. Tomorrow I'm going to call her mother and fire them. After the past three weeks, this petty schedule of events is so soothing! My grandfather is coming home from the hospital tomorrow. We are so excited! His attitude still leaves a lot to be desired, and he seems very old and weak, but he's definitely better. I know that Grandma is looking forward to being at home without all the back and forth to the hospital. I got a dead uncle, a sick grandfather and a really ugly sweater for Christmas, and I got bronchitis for New Year's! It wasn't that bad--really a chance to rest up, which was much needed. The prescription cough syrup rocks if you have trouble relaxing enough to take a nap. (Virgo--what can I say? I'd rather stay awake and worry.) This entry really isn't about anything. Isn't it wonderful? Nothing is happening! Next week it all begins again for me--I'm going to Bowling Green, KY for a flute festival on Friday, to judge competitions and perform, then to Paducah, KY for a gig with the Paducah Symphony, then to Jackson for my regular gig...all the driving, and it's really kind of nice to be out on the road. I have a new email address, by the way: jgdunnavant@earthlink.net. Mom and Dad are shutting down the old AOL account sometime this spring. I hope that everyone else is having a deliciously routine week! Jess (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 25th, 2004
10:32 pm	Christmas Day Merry Christmas! Is there any time of any day more peaceful that this? My parents are snoring next door, the entire world outside is quiet and still, and Scrooged is on TV one last time this year. I have so many blessings--there are so many little miracles in my life--they're impossible to count. Here's the much improved Grandpa report: He was so depressed, and not eating, that Grandma got worried and talked to his doctor, who started him on IV anti-depressants, plus a sleep aid to make him sleep at night. Yesterday he even told Grandma that he felt better! I was so worried about him when I saw him on Monday. They've taken out some of the various tubes, and he's been sitting up and even walking around a little bit, so he might actually get out of ICU on Monday or Tuesday. We're doing Christmas with that side of the family tomorrow afternoon, so we'll all have our little five minute visit with him. We had an ice storm overnight on Wednesday this week, and my whole world has turned glassy and bright. Today, on the drive down to Pulaski to see Dad's side of the family, the sun was hitting the trees and hills in just the right way to make them sparkle. It was magical! I was at church a lot yesterday and will be again tomorrow morning. I don't talk about my faith much because I try not to use it as a weapon, but I really love Christmas Eve, especially Midnight Mass--the carols, the liturgy, having everyone dressed up and on their best behavior...plus, as a believer, it's already a special day. Some years, Christmas Day is anti-climactic, after the bustle and excitement of pulling those services together. We had over 400 people last night and had every folding chair in the building out. The choir sounded great on the anthems we've been working on since July, and even little Tiana, who's just learned to play the saxophone, got to perform Ode to Joy. She was deliciously, delightfully flat. It's like a family reunion in many ways, or like the prom for Episcopalians? And now it's over. I'm going to Atlanta on Monday to see Gypsi and family--a nice vacation for Mom and Dad, and for me! She always goes overboard on Christmas for me, which I appreciate, because it's good to be loved that much. On the other hand, I can't afford a box of toothpicks, so it's a little harder on me. Mom and Dad supplement with a Gap giftcard because I can't get her to tone it down! I can't wait to hear about the amount of stuff K and B are going to have to cart back to Maryland! I got a beautiful pink tweed peacoat, and a Christmas-theme sweater that Dad picked out, among other things. I looked at the sweater and did a really good imitation of someone who wears seasonal, festive sweaters. He said it reminded him of me, which just proves he never pays attention to my clothes! The good news is that after I wear it again tomorrow, I can get out of wearing it for nearly an entire year! It's not hideous. It's just VERY third-grade teacher. My Great-Aunt Pauline thought it was adorable. ;) The coat, on the other hand, is gorgeous and exactly what I wanted. It should be--I picked it out! I liked Becca's gift inventory, but mine is a little bit wacky! I got Mom several different flavors of body cream from Bath and Body Works, the complete third season of South Park, and a set of makeup brushes that I've been trying to keep her from buying for herself for about a month. Dad got a bunch of Nero Wolfe on DVD, funky-shaped rocks glasses for him and his scotch-guzzling friends, and a biography of Bob Hope, who seems to be one of his heroes. We had a lot of fun unwrapping! I may not post again for a week or so, so I want you both to have a very fun and happy and in your case, RJ, safe New years! Current Mood: content Current Music: Put a Little Love in Your Heart (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
10:37 pm	What a schizophrenic week I am having! I baked cookies all day today to give away to friends and to take to the parties my parents and I have lined up for the next week or so. It was good for me to do something that normal in the midst of worry and grief. George's funeral was yesterday, and it was beautiful. I have been to more than my fair share of funerals, as the child of a minister and a member of a large family, and this truly was a celebration of his life and his spirit. The army sent a color guard, and the morning was brilliant and beautiful, though frigid. The preacher from the little Methodist church was an absolute puppy--he was probably our age, but I always expect them to be middle aged or older! He knew George. He got his personality down to a T, and that made us laugh, and cry, and it allowed us to say goodbye. When the soldier gave my cousin Stephen the folded flag "on behalf of a grateful nation," we all lost it and just sobbed. Later at the wake, sitting in the same blue-tiled kitchen with the same table and chairs, eating the wake food, all of us tugging at our dress clothes and telling stories about George and Martha Ellen, we began to move on, to leave the graveyard and walk together into our new, smaller world. Isn't it always that way? We never forget the ones we love, but to stay there, in the cold cemetery with that new, gaping, naked hole in the earth is to deny everything that love ever stood for. My father asked the blessing before the meal, and he cried. My grandfather was doing well yesterday, but today has taken a turn for the worse. He has several pre-existing conditions that make any surgery harder on him than on other people, not the least of which is a tendency to develop pneumonia. Today his lungs became congested, but because of the incision, he can't stay upright. He's swelled, and they think his kidneys aren't functioning properly, and his blood sugar has risen because of the feeding tube food. We are worried, and he's still in ICU. I really hope that we will not be having another funeral soon. Sorry--this entry is a bummer, too! I am awash with love and fear, and it's supposed to snow six inches Saturday night, which is a lot for Tennessee at any time, not to mention how early in the season it is. I will try to keep warm, and not to worry so much! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
8:37 am	more bad news Thank you guys for your comments! I haven't figured out how to reply to them yet, and this morning, there's just no time to play with it. I hope that George and Martha will be together, too. They were like bright lights in a dim room, with a house full of natural treasures--I keep using that word to explain, but there were shelves of geodes, fossils, shells, my cousin Stephen's taxidermy projects--and they always had time to explain, to talk or just to listen. There's more bad news this morning. My grandfather had some polyps removed yesterday in a pretty routine colonoscopy, but he was in such pain by the early hours of this morning that Grandma took him to the ER. He's in surgery right now--they think that his colon was punctured. He'll be in ICU for a few days and will have to miss George's funeral, which is what really bothers him, apparently! I love the old coot and I can't bear to contemplate the possibilites right now, so I'm just thinking about his recovery. We'll be on our way as soon as Dad gets home from a meeting he had this morning with the bishop--hard to reschedule that one! I love you both, very much. When someone dies, you sort of stand close to the edge of life yourself, and it feels important to me to tell you how special you are to me. I'll be in touch. Jess Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Monday, December 13th, 2004
11:44 pm	Christmas blur Well, the ACK! level is high right now! I have had a pretty tempestuous couple of weeks, and I'm so tired from all the travel. I had a great gig this weekend at a Baptist church in Somerset, KY, playing for their singing Christmas tree. The music was a little odd to me, but the people who hosted me were so kind, and wealthy--I've ridden in an Escalade now! (Who would have thought they'd be so comfortable?) I got back around midnight last night, and found out first thing this morning that my great-uncle George has died. He's been sick for a long time, and hasn't known me for at least a year, but when I was a little girl, he was so special! He would hold me hand and walk me around his backyard, showing me all kinds of treasures in the grass--quartz stones, grapevines and wild strawberries--he really loved dandelions. Aunt Martha was a science teacher at a junior high and he worked for NASA. He fought in WWII and never let the horror of it go, and he had the most gorgeous pure white hair and twinkly blue eyes...I will miss him very much. He was my mother's father's brother-in-law. Aunt Martha died of brain cancer when I was 12, and he never quite recovered from that sorrow, as if he could have! Now we're moving into the singing, baking, traveling craziness that is Christmas. I wrapped presents all afternoon and tomorrow I'll start baking wonderful little surprises to give away. The funeral is Wednesday morning in Franklin County, which is at the very foot of the mountains in East Tennessee, where my mother grew up. Why is it that nothing ties us to our roots the way a death in the family does? George won't be buried with other Smiths, but beside Aunt Martha and my great-grandmother, with maybe a dozen of my other ancestors. It seems that he, more than most, really became one of us when he married into this family. He was a truly beautiful, heroic man, and I will miss him very much. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
10:41 pm	cat's okay, better day My cat is going to be okay. I'm really relieved! They had to shave half her body, give her lots of stitches and put in a couple of drains, but she's going to be okay. The whole incident was really expensive--it's making me rethink my derisive opinion on pet insurance! She's kind of funny looking now, with the big collar and everything. I'm watching South Park--they're spoofing Paris Hilton and it is hilarious! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
10:01 pm	sick cat, crappy day I had a really crappy day. Leaving friends is never easy, but leaving Maryland is always a treat! Why do people choose to live in big, disgusting cities? One bumpy plane ride and a little conversation with a senior citizen bound for Sacramento later, I was back in lovely gray Nashville, where we had biblical rain, ridiculous traffic and a moat instead of a yard. Chloe the cat is in bad shape. When I got home she was lying on a rocking chair, looking glazed and whimpering. At the vet they found three or four big gashes on her belly and they've kept her overnight to do x-rays and to figure out why she won't put any weight on her front legs. Car or the bigger cat next door? I may never know. It's silly to anthropomorphize her the way I do, but this cat has been my furry companion through a master's degree and a doctorate, and through life in three states. I have to call tomorrow around noon to find out what's really wrong. If it's bad, if she has to be put down, I'll be so sad. What do people write about here? After two years I'm finally getting around to making an entry and I'm in a really foul, worried mood. My mother said there's a name for what we are--the we of this weekend, all the low-key hanging out. We're an urban tribe, a family separated by blood and birth! You all make my life immeasurably richer. Becca, you'll never believe this! And Kelli may say I'm making it all up, but the baby tried to say my name last night before I left with Jamie. It made my day. I think I'll quit now. Good night, urban tribe! Current Mood: crappy (2 Comments |Comment on this)